June 20, 2010

The mystery of JBJ's white mic stand revealed!

I LOVE Glenn Osrin's witty posts on examiner.com, and this is the latest and silliest of them yet. It's so incredibly ridiculous that it's hilarious - I'd love to be able to write like that!

from examiner.com:
The mystery of Bon Jovi's white microphone stand revealed, 2 of 2
June 14, 2:13 PM Bon Jovi Examiner Glenn Osrin

Did you miss part 1? Read it here.

Like any legendary tale, the mystery that surrounds Bon Jovi’s white microphone stand grows and morphs over time.

The JoviNation are so acutely aware of every square inch of the band and their equipment and accessories that its’ not surprising that the white mic stand should have a personal life all its own.

In fact, it probably even has its own groupies.

Yet one of the most common explanations as to why Jon Bon Jovi cozies up to that white mic stand is that he uses it like an on-stage Rock-N-Roll GPS.

Fan lore has it that since he moves around so much on stage, he needs a reference point that stands out from the crowd; something lighter in color than the average mic stand which might blend into the frenzied front rows when he emerges from the belly of the stage steps during the opening show darkness.

It’s a homing device that helps him get down from his Jovi-A-Gogo on the hydraulic lifts in concert without toppling off the stage into the adoring clutches of rabidly loyal fans cloistered Circle side; and, it also serves as a white flare for Richie Sambora and Hugh McDonald should JonBon go all samurai with it like he did in the vids for ‘You Give Love A Bad Name’ and ‘Livin’ On A Prayer’.

What women wouldn't give to trade places.

I mean, one whip-saw chop and cycle wheel spin and the band might be looking for a new guitarist, know what I’m sayin’?

Others in JoviNation swear that the white mic stand makes it easier for the roadies to set-up and calibrate Jon’s microphone settings by distinguishing his from the rest of the bands.

This way, if all else fails and the entire performance is loaded with technical glitches, at least it’s less likely to occur at Jon’s expense!

Recently however, this rumor was dashed when the band played ‘Superman Tonight’ on ‘American Idol’.

Moments into the globally televised song, it became painfully apparent that guitarist Richie Sambora’s microphone had been set at a higher volume than Jon’s. In concert it’s the kind of small speed-bump Jon would stop mid-song to fix; but this night saw Bon Jovi toss Richie the dreaded stink-eye scud missile known to turn men into pillars of salt right where they play.

Still another legend holds that the white mic stand has actually flown first class, up front with Jon and the boys. While they sip drinks and munch petite fours, the white mic kicks back and catches forty winks.

There even has been speculation that Brother Matt has been dispatched to a recently played town to reclaim the forgotten stand, carrying it with him on the plane like Fredo Corelone from The Godfather with Michael’s suitcase full of cash for Mo Green.

Though Matt tried to pull off this journey without fanfare, the secret got out when the mic stand demanded two-for-one whiskey sours and endless peanut packets when Matt was spiriting it back to the loving clutches of Mr. Bon Jovi himself.

It is with much fanfare and suspension of mystery that the truth can now be told to the titillated universe of inquiring minds that make up JoviNation…

“…a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away…”

There lived a Wanna-Be-Rock-N-Roll Prince, who toiled away sweeping record studio floors in between his dreamy sessions of stardom, when he would sneak in to a recording cue and let it rock let it roll under the watchful eye of his cousin Tony.

His dream for passion and greatness burned; and he was driven by a tireless mission and a psychic’s sixth sense that were rock-n-roll to be protected from the evil clutches of bands like Abba, the Bay City Rollers and Hanson, this Shaman of the Jersey Shore would have to brandish his white microphone Light Saber and save the world.

“Luke (and Jon), I am your Father”…

And so it was that in 1980 with big hair and an even bigger dream, a little known Jedi Rocker by the earthly name of Jon Bon Jovi produced his first-ever professional recording, “R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas” on an album produced by cousin Tony Bongiovi called “Christmas In The Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album”.

From that day forward, the white mic stand has kept up innocent appearances like any loyal Light Saber of a True Jedi Knight.

Oh perhaps it was presumptuous to overlook its’ polished white stance and mistake it for far less than a polished metal hilt capable of emitting an intergalactic rainbow of light; or, hundreds of thousands of decibels of sheer, unadulterated, rock-n-roll power.

While Jon’s favorite black six-string guitar is more musically diverse, the unassuming subtlety of the white mic stand hides it’s intergalactic purpose: it is the signature weapon of an interstellar musical Jedi Knight from Sayreville, and has been known to deflect blaster bolts and can even be used to tame rogue press agents and renegade music producers in a single swipe.

That’s right, JoviNation, the truth about Bon Jovi is that if fellow Jersey hero Bruce Springsteen was once the ‘future of rock n roll’, Jon Bon Jovi has been the Savior of Rock N Roll.

After all, could we expect anything less from a Rock-N-Roll Jedi Knight whose real name is…


Read more of Glenn Osrin's articles at http://www.examiner.com/x-36037-Bon-Jovi-Examiner.

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