April 14, 2010

I'm taking each day and night at a time...

Do you ever feel like no matter what you did, no matter what you said,
no matter how hard you tried, nothing ever seems to work out right for you?
Do you ever feel like your get up and and go has got up and went?
Yeah, I do too. I feel like that sometimes, it's true.
But when I feel like that, I say, self, you gotta just dust yourself off.
And I say, self, you gotta put on the gloves, jump in the ring, and go in there for one more fight.
And I say, self, we ain't gonna back down this time, ain't nobody gonna come and throw in the towel this time, ain't nobody gonna tell me they're gonna save my ass this time - no!

Jon spoke those words during the ad-lib segment in Someday I'll Be Saturday Night at a performance in Osaka, Japan several years ago. I remember coming across the MP3 and literally being moved to tears at his little speech: the one thing that remains so strongly embedded in my heart with this band is their uncanny way to lift my spirits no matter WHAT happens to me. Their inexplicable comfort in the direst of times has been my saving grace, their very understanding of being human provides an instant friend. Someone who can relate to you. Someone who is, more or less, going through the same thing as you. Sometimes just knowing you're not alone can work wonders.

I've posted before that I've had an immensely rough year since moving away from home, and I don't want to turn this into another sappy sob story. I recently got to go home for spring break, got to spend time with the people I love more than life itself - my family, my friends, my wonderful boyfriend. And I had a beautiful birthday celebration, traveling and sightseeing and enjoying the sunshine. I was lucky, blessed, spoiled, and so grateful for the fun. The good times after so many bad. The "light" after a rather dark period. And I did NOT want to go back to reality - work, school, and this godforsaken town where I do both - and leave my beloved home. But I knew I had to. Life is not about fun, it's not about pleasure and no work. I had to be strong.

But the last two days since coming back have been a nightmare. Aside from the heavy heart, the sorrow after saying goodbye to those I love again, the reluctance at just being back here, I had to endure several things happening at once that just kicked me to the curb again. I won't go into too much detail here, but I was involved in an accident yesterday that shook my nerves to the core (physically, I'm okay, but the legal process following it is beyond taxing), my boyfriend was sent off to Shanghai literally the day he got back home from his trip here (which means no communication whatsoever for 2-3 weeks, making a long-distance relationship about 100x harder), my school's admissions department is ONCE AGAIN screwing me over in terms of units and a timely graduation next May...it just never ends.

So, naturally, I've been slugging around the place in a funk - heart even heavier, mind foggy and depressed, moody and tired, withdrawn, and nerves rattled so that all I want is a quiet beach in the corner of the world where no one can find me.

Then this song came on my iTunes. And the shell I had retreated into, the selfish, self-enclosed funk I had fallen into, both opened up a bit.

Do you ever feel like no matter what you did, no matter what you said, no matter how hard you tried, nothing ever seems to work out right for you?

Martyr-ish, yes. But damn it, it's human. And Jon gets it. He understands. And I started to cry uncontrollably, just because it meant so much to, in essence, not be alone anymore. I felt instantly comforted, instantly befriended. Someone else was sharing that shell, huddled and homesick and feeling sorry for themselves but trying to find the strength to be happy and stand up and say, "World, here I come!"

I know I'll find that strength, but sometimes I wonder when. I know every experience is a trying one, an opportunity to build that strength up. I know. But when you're weary and tired, and so far from every source of support you've always counted on, alone and scared and facing alien territory completely unarmed, it's damn hard.

But this band - and their music - has always been there for me. They may not be my sword in the battle, they may not be my sideline spectators, but they're the invisible friends on my shoulder in the battle ring, ever-constant sources of support and comfort. Just because they're there, and they understand.

Sometimes, that's all you need to find the strength you're looking for.

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